We have a blinking tube.

I'm a little late on this, been pretty busy lately and I wanted to scan our u/s pic (even though the angle she got makes the sack look like a hot dog and you can't see anything except the cross hairs), but I'm starting to think I'm never going to get to that...

I was a complete and utter wreck before the ultrasound. A good 24-48 hours before you couldn't even talk to me. Even though I was anxious and worried with my last pregnancy, I always got a good feeling before the ultrasound that made me think it would be ok. And those two ultrasounds were good. With this one, I didn't have a good feeling. My instinct was definitely going the other way. Because, once again, I don't have symptoms and frankly, it pisses me off.

It was just too much to fathom. We didn't want to see that image, the one of a missed m/c, on a screen again. We didn't want to be ushered out the backdoor after our ultrasound. We didn't to hear the "I'm having trouble finding a heartbeat" conversation again, and I honestly started wondering if I could handle another loss.

Thankfully our clinic runs pretty much right on time so we didn't have to wait long once we got there. Dr. R came in and said she'd been waiting for us...seems she was curious about our upcoming ultrasound. Why? "I've been skeptical about your pregnancy. I mean, your betas were good and everything, but....well, lets see what's going on."

Huh? I'm pretty sure when she asked how we were doing I yelled "Nervous!!" A specialist telling us she was skeptical was hardly calming our nerves.

But at this point, I was defeated and just wanted to know either way. I was so past the anxiety and worry I wasn't sure I would even cry.

At our NT scan with my last pregnancy, the tech decided to take measurements and check my ovaries before doing anything with the pregnancy measurements. Now, I know she saw that sack and the size of the baby and knew we had lost the pregnancy the minute that ultrasound started. But she had to get those other measurements and you can't really say, "Oh, hey, looks like you miscarried but hang on while I get these other measurements."

So when Dr. R started the ultrasound, she said, "There's a sack...but let's check your ovaries first" and I immediately thought, here we go again.

Once she was done with the ovaries, she was frowning at the screen and not saying much. That's not a good sign. Then she said something about finding it and turned the screen towards Chris and I.

An empty sac. Um, thanks, lady - didn't need another visual!

She moved the wand a bit and said, "See it? It's blinking, right there."

OH! There is something there. It was rather ghost-like and disappearing a lot, but at the right spot, there was something there.

I looked at the blinking and said, "So that's the heartbeat?"

Dr. R says, "No, there isn't a heart this early. That's the fetal pole. It's a blinking tube."

Now, really, everyone else in the industry calls it a heartbeat. Even if it's not technically a heart at 6 1/2 weeks, it will be one soon and that blinking tube will hopefully turn into a beating heart. Would it kill her to let us call it a heartbeat? Do we have to be that clinical?

The day of the ultrasound I was 6 weeks, 4 days but just measuring 6 weeks even, which everyone, including computer brain Dr. R, says is on track. I'll of course worry about this.

We go back after the 8 week mark to check and see if our blinking tube turned into a beating heart. That's the big step for us. While our miscarriage wasn't discovered until 12 weeks, the baby stopped developing about 8 weeks.

So again we wait. I still don't have many symptoms and don't have morning sickness (as far as I know...does gagging when I brush my tongue count?) so as long as I feel ok...I'll continue to be neurotic. Just a warning to those who know me in real life.