My Poor Vagina.

OK, who's cringing at the title? I'm going to guess my brother is probably cringing the most. Chris might be a close second, but don't worry - I'm sure he'll be the number one cringer later on in this post.

But vag deserved a shout out. After 1 colposcopy and 5 internals in about 24 hours, she's traumatized. Perhaps I should back up a bit...

Little Miss tried to make a break for it earlier this week. I had a colposcopy (don't ask, I have the cervix from hell) and of course right after the contractions started full force. Totally expected that. My contractions have been worse lately...more like 2-4 an hour instead of 1-3, but actually a couple days before the colpo they had gone back to the 1-3. Which of course afterwards, that all changed. I monitored like a good Pre Term Birth Prevention Program patient, and called the perinatal nurse later that night after tracking 7 in one hour, 4 in the next. Because we figured the colpo was the culprit, she said to monitor for another hour and call if I had 4 again. I had 3, then fell asleep (whoops, contracting makes me tired!). Every time I woke up during the middle of the night, I was contracting, but I also had a full bladder which causes contractions for me so I didn't think much of it. By morning, it seemed more constant and consistent than is my norm, I tracked for 2 hours and called the perinatal nurse and let them know I was still having 4 an hour. They said to go to L&D so they could stop the contractions since we don't want my cervix shortening any more. Cool, I'll get some drugs and be out of there in an hour.

Not exactly.

So we get checked in and hooked up and start the monitoring. They can tell right away that I'm having some contractions (mmmmkkkk, that's why I'm here) and the OB on-call and nurse we had were getting ready for surgery so they wanted to do an internal to check my cervix and then just monitor me for a couple hours. Oh. Ok. Well, I'm sure when they get back we'll just get our drugs and be on our merry way. When she came back to check later, I was still contracting, she does another internal and apparently - and I say apparently because she didn't tell us anything - she felt the cervix was softer and maybe a little more dialated than the previous check (I'm externally dilated about 1.5cm but not internally) so in her mind, I was in labor. I was having consistent contractions and now she felt they were changing my cervix. Next thing we know we're being whisked down to ultrasound for a cervix length check - and I mean whisked, the transporter had me in a wheel chair and I swear I saw Chris jogging behind us trying to keep up - which, was great - 2.4 cm! That means I've only lost 4 milimeters in my 12 weeks of bedrest. Not bad for a chick who shed a centimeter in 4 weeks early on. Anyway, we got to briefly see the little one, who is (and had been for a few weeks) totally head down and has her head planted firmly on my cervix. She's also using my bladder as a pillow, and has it squished to the point that it looks like a crescent moon (I'll be talking to her about this after she's born). I'd like to be flip and say her fat head is on my cervix, but I can't as it looked like quite the perfect little head to me. She also looks bald, and I love me some bald babies.

So at this point, I feel the contractions aren't doing anything to my cervix and we should just be able to go home. It appears they don't agree. They gave me the first of two of the steriod shot to mature her lungs, and it was at that point I knew they weren't telling us everything because I know they don't give those shots unless they feel delivery is imminent. They give me three separate dosages of nifedipin to stop the contractions, which my uterus laughed at. No response. I got an IV of saline to push fluids, no change. Those contractions kept a'coming. Finally I found a spot on my side where the monitor didn't seem to pick up the contractions so I stayed there hoping they would see I wasn't contracting and let us go home. See, I hadn't planned on being there longer than an hour, I had no toothbrush, nothing, the bed is beyond uncomfortable, I'm pissed that we aren't getting any information which is really what is pissing me off. So if no one is going to tell us what's going on, we might as well leave. This made sense at the time, believe me.

Around 6pm, the OB shift change occurred and we were told the new OB would be in to see us and let us know what was going on. Our nurse was attentive but somewhat mute, so for two hours I layed there while she checked on me but couldn't tell us anything. We told her we were probably going to just go ahead and go, and she told us we'd have to sign out against medical consenst. For some reason, I worried what my normal OB would think of that. I have no idea why that became an issue, I didn't seem to care about the staff that was trying to take care of us at that moment, I was more concerned with disappointing my regular OB. Perhaps I'm too attached to her. Anyway.

New OB finally comes to see us around 8pm, and he doesn't look thrilled with us. Mute nurse told on us and our plan to escape. Good news is, new OB isn't a mute and had plans to actually tell us what was going on. Great news was he was a hottie with a South African accent s0 we'll now refer to new OB as Dr.HotStuff (Chris is starting to cringe). Other good news is the nurse that took over for mute nurse was also a hottie so Chris wasn't totally left out (now he's really cringing, but it will get worse, don't worry). Basically Dr.HotStuff broke it down like this:

• I think you should stay overnight for observation (I disagree)
• You are and have been contracting every two minutes and have the best labor pattern of any patient on the floor (I have to admit I blushed at that accomplishment, until I realized I am only 30 weeks pregnant and that's not something you strive for amongst a floor of women that are actually full term)
• The previous OB felt a change in your cervix which indicates the contractions are changing it and you need to be watched.

This is where the bargaining started. It may sound like I was more concerned with being home than my daughter, which is far from the case. I've been doing everything possible to keep her inside and haven't complained all that much about it (now Chris isn't cringing but instead rolling his eyes. You can stop that, mister.) The thing is, I know my body at this point. If this happened 3 months ago, I would have moved into the hospital. But at this point, while I was having a hell of a lot more contractions than I realized, and they had a pattern which is not normal for me, I knew they weren't changing my cervix so I didn't need to stay. Not to mention, as soon as they actually admitted me my hospital admission co-pay would have kicked in and that was $500 I didn't think we needed to spend. So we bargained. I expressed concern over our pet at home that shouldn't be alone this long and hadn't been fed. Note I used the word pet instead of one specifying what kind of pet. When they asked if it was a dog, I said no, a cat (now Chris is really cringing because he not only had to witness this first hand, but also now see that I am sharing this story outside of the hospital room). I tried to explain that after 3 months of bed rest, my cat and I are very close. It didn't seem to phase them, guess they aren't cat lovers. At any rate, Dr.HotStuff agreed that the cervical ultrasound measurment was encouraging and not concerning. He decided that he was willing to do an internal, then come back in two hours and do another one. If he didn't feel any change, he was willing to let us go. WOOO! At this point, "So You Think You Can Dance" had come on so I had enough distraction for the next two hours. Two hours later - on the dot, mind you - Dr.HotStuff and Nurse Hottie returned for the next internal. No change, and we got to go home! I was still contracting, and continued to do so regularly until around 11 the next morning, but things have calmed down and I'm close to back to my regular patterns. I have my weekly appointment next week, and I think we should do the FFN (fetal fibronectin test) which can help predict if I'll go into labor within the next two weeks. They wanted to do it in the hospital, but having had the colposcopy the day before would have made the results invalid. The next goal is 32 weeks, but I would be a lot more comfortable at 34 weeks, even with her lungs all 'roided out from the shots. Of course ideal would be term, but at this point I need to be more realistic. We can hope for at least 37 weeks, but I can't expect it.

If you've read this entire marathon post, you either:

1. Are really, really bored
2. Really, really like me
3. Were really, really interested in what happened to my vagina.