Majority was right!

It's aGIRL! A perfect, beautiful baby girl. Everything is wonderful with our daughter.

Mom, on the other hand, needs some help. My cervix has shortened a little too much (down to 2.8 cm, from 3.7 six weeks prior...a big jump and not a good number) so I'll be on bedrest for now. We'll evaluate next week. So this may be my last post for a while since I don't have a laptop and I'll be following all instructions to keep pressure of my cervix, which includes sitting at the computer. Gotta do everything I can to keep our little girl safe.

Let's Talk About Sex

Or gender, I should say.
In just a matter of days, we have our “big”, level II ultrasound. Obviously, first and foremost, we are hoping for a healthy baby so far, and that’s why I’m most anxious about. But as a bonus, we will hopefully find out the sex.

From day 1, the minute we got the positive beta, I have said boy. Hands down, without a doubt, boy. A few weeks ago I would have been absolutely stunned if I was wrong. It was that strong a feeling. But now, and for the last couple weeks…eh, I’m not so sure. Right now, I don’t really know.

So what’s a girl to do? Turn to the Old Wive’s Tales, of course! But even those are hardly clear.

1) If you carry high, it’s a girl. Low, it’s a boy. I think it’s low, so that would be BOY
2) If the heartbeat is under 140 bpm, it’s a boy. If it is over 140 bpm, it’s a girl. Well, we’ve only had it tracked twice. Once was 150 bpm, the other time was 173bpm. So I guess, GIRL.
3) Tie your wedding ring to a string and dangle it over your belly. If it swings back and forth, it’s a boy. If it goes in circles, it’s a girl. You can also do this holding the string over your open palm. I did both and both were circles…GIRL.
4) Chinese Gender Chart (http://parenting.ivillage.com/ttc/ttcsigns/0,,j736,00.html ) Some say this is correct 90% of the time. This one is easy, BOY
5) If you have acne during pregnancy, it’s a girl. If you don’t, it’s a boy. No pimples here, BOY
6) If you have morning sickness, you’re having a girl. If you don’t, you’re having a boy. I had really mild morning sickness at night, nothing I would really even call morning sickness. So I’ll go with BOY on that one.
7) If your breasts have gotten bigger, you’re having a girl! If they’ve stayed the same, it’s a boy. Oh lordy, then it’s definitely a GIRL with the size of these things.
8) If your left breast is bigger than the right, you’re having a girl. If the right breast is bigger than the left, it’s a boy. I think they’re pretty much neck and neck (or boob and boob?) but I was just commenting this week that my left boob seems bigger…GIRL
9) If your urine is neon yellow, it’s a boy. If it’s a dull yellow, it’s a girl. Um, GIRL. And I don’t like talking about my urine.
10) If you’re hair on your legs grows faster, it’s a girl. If it stays the same, it’s a boy. I can’t stand stubble so I shave daily no matter what, but I haven’t noticed any kind of sudden overgrowth on my legs. BOY. Now, if we’re talking about the sudden development of fur on my stomach…that’s a different story.
11) If the dad to be is gaining weight with you, it’s a boy. If he stays the same, it’s a girl. I should check with Chris to be sure, but I’m going to say GIRL.
12) If you have headaches, you’re having a boy. If you don’t, it’s a girl. Huh, I would have thought this would be the other way around. BOY.
13) Girls steal your beauty. If you look better than before, it’s a boy. If you don’t, it’s a girl. All I can say is people say I look good. I however, have already noticed the Tori Spelling pregnancy fat face starting. But since my OB said I looked good and it might be a boy, we’ll say BOY.
14) If your feet are colder than usual, it’s a boy. If they’re the same, it’s a girl. GIRL.

The results? 14 questions. 7 boy. 7 girl. 50% chance of either one. Didn’t help much, did it? What do you think??

Doppler: Friend or Foe?

Up until yesterday, that was an easy question. FRIEND! All the way! BFF, in fact. Despite the horror stories about dopplers and freaking out if you can't hear the heartbeat, we've been fortunate. We've never looked more than a few seconds, and actually I got so good that I would just place the doppler on my belly where I figured Viver was hanging out and voila! woosh, woosh, woosh.

It was so predictable. I even smugly smirked at my doctor when she used the doppler the first time. She was roaming all over and I wanted to say, "He's right here." And I would be right.

But yesterday, doppler became a temporary foe.

I found the woosh, woosh, woosh right away. We smiled at each other. But then it seemed pretty slow. Like really slow, actually.

Me: "Um, does that seem slow to you?"
Chris: "Ummm, maybe a little bit!"

Neither one of us wanted to over-react but we were both clearly starting to panic on the inside.

Me: "How about you count the beats and we can figure out what the beats per minute is? I mean, it's going to be different, it's not always going to be the same rate."
Chris: "Ok, I got 84."

GULP.

Me: "Well, that must be me, I guess. It's not Viver."
Chris: silence.

I wander all around with the microphone, concentrating on the side where he always is. Nothing but me. On a whim, I try the other side. Now I'm frantically moving the doppler around, too fast to catch anything anyway. Then suddenly, Chris says "Wait, there was something there. Go back".

Low and behold, there he was. Beating away with his normal woosh, woosh, woosh rhythm. But just for a second, then he would roll away. I chased him but could only hear it for a couple seconds at a time. I think he's moving away from the doppler these days. Trouble maker.

Thankfully we were able to find it and got the reassurance we needed, so doppler went back to friend status. I just learned my lesson...I do not rule the doppler. Apparently, Viver is now ruling the doppler.

Oh, and for those of you (you know who you are) that are thinking this confirms your feelings on why we shouldn't have a doppler, don't go there. One brief moment of panic is nothing compared to how many times we've been reassured and been able to sleep because we did hear the heartbeat. I've said it a hundred times...the doppler can't make me any more crazy than I already am. Maybe it's not a good idea for sane people...but I'm not part of that group.

OK, I'll admit it.

It was time to tell my boss that I'm pregnant.

And I will now admit I probably wasn't fooling quite as many people as I thought I was.

Frankly, if I had it my way I wouldn't tell anyone until, well...I gave birth. It makes me incredibly nervous. Family and friends are one thing, but co-workers are a whole other cup of tea. I hadn't told anyone at work I was pregnant last time, and I was so glad about that when I returned after my miscarriage. So being "out" takes things to a whole new level for me, and it's one I'm not totally comfortable with. But my belly had other ideas and I couldn't hide it much longer. If I was even hiding it at all. I have a feeling some people figured it out already...despite me thinking I was so very sly with my "hunch over and run" move I used if I encountered people in the hall.

Viver's 1st Report Card

We had the ultrasound part of our NT Scan last week (which is the first trimester screening for chromosomal abnormalities like Down’s Syndrome or other forms of Trisomy) and Viver passed with flying colors. A++++++++

The ultrasound itself was the coolest experience so far. Kaiser isn’t equipped to do NT scans yet, so they pay for members to go to the few places that are certified in our area. The closest place is about an hour away so Chris and I had to take a half day off work, but it was worth it. It was quite the foo-foo place, nicely decorated and up on all the latest technology.

The ultrasound is an abdominal one (what? An appointment where I leave my pants ON? That’s a weird experience) which also meant I needed to have a full bladder. By the time we arrived, it was quite full. Chris, of course, immediately located a restroom when we arrived.

Huh.

Let’s just say, if there is another time where I have to keep my bladder full, he will have to keep his full as well. I don’t for a minute agree with the pregnant women that feel their husbands should be deprived of everything they are deprived of while pregnant (drinking, sushi, whatever), however I think it would help him understand why I was so anxious that they seemed to be running a bit late. Sure, 10 minutes late is nothing in doctor appointments, but when you have to pee and know the ultrasound is going to take about a half hour of someone pressing just about right on your bladder, it’s bound to make you a bit anxious and just a touch pissy.

So we are ushered into a room and I lay down and see that we have our very own screen to look at that’s mounted just over head! What a treat. Half the time we can’t see anything, or if they do tilt the screen towards us we’re both craning to catch a peek. This time we got to see it all. They even took some 3D pictures of Viver, and gave us a CD of images including a little movie showing Viver’s heart beating.

I had to laugh at when the doctor decided Viver wasn’t in the position he wanted him to be in so he jiggled my belly trying to get him to move. He did, but he rolled away and put his back to us. I told the doctor he was mocking him. That’s definitely my kid. All he was lacking was the middle finger thrown up for good measure.

February 18th, 2008

For many today is a holiday.

For me, it’s the due date of my first pregnancy that I lost at 12 weeks. It’s also not a work holiday for me, but that’s another whine for later.

Chances are slim I would have given birth on this day, but it’s the only day I have to hold on to. Anniversaries and due dates of miscarriages are particularly hard on the moms that would have been. Today is not easy for me.

While being pregnant now makes it much easier than I imagine today would have otherwise been, it still is not easy. I think being pregnant makes me less angry than I would have been, but no less sad. People that haven’t experienced miscarriage often don’t understand that one pregnancy does not replace a lost one. I so often hear people say “you’ll get pregnant again” or notions to that effect to women that have lost a baby…I can’t speak for everyone but for myself, that was far from comforting, and not only because I was infertile and no one knew if I would get pregnant again. I wanted that baby. I miss that baby. I mourn that baby. I love the baby I’m carrying; but it does not make me miss my first any less.

I often wonder what I was doing when my baby’s heart stopped beating. Was I sleeping? Was I at work? Was I eating? How could I possibly not know what had happened? For as long as I live, I will never forget the image on that ultrasound machine and will never forget seeing 8 weeks 3 days show up as the measurement when I should have been 11 weeks, 4 days. I will never forget the image of the too small baby laying on it’s back completely motionless. I wanted to reach through the screen, grab my baby and hold it, apologize for anything ever happening to him or her, tell her I loved her…we loved her.

I will never forget the moment Chris and I both recognized what had happened and how my husband comforted me and held me – as if my body wasn’t responsible for all of the pain and agony we had been through up to and including that horrible day. At that moment, I felt like the luckiest unlucky woman in the world.

To our baby that never was, you’re always in our hearts.

I wanna go back...

(anyone else hearing that Eddie Money song in their head right about now? No? Anyhow...)

I wanna go back to that time during this pregnancy when I was neurotic for no good reason. When I worried incessantly without due cause. Back when I would cop a feel during the day and realize my boobs weren't at all tender and nearly start crying...even though we had a perfect ultrasound the day before. In a nutshell, I want to go back to being crazy. Just your average infertile with a history of pregnancy loss trying to make her way through the first trimester, crazy.

Because really having something to worry about sucks. It sucks a lot more than just being crazy. Because, FYI, crazy doesn't go away - it just compounds with actual, validated fears to make you one big crazy, scared, bitchy mess.

So the spotting didn't stop. We accomplished a record last week of 3 appointments (if you count the ER as an appointment, which, in this case I am) within 6 days. We were given an explanation for the spotting that thankfully isn't harming Viver or the pregnancy in any way, but it is still incredibly unnerving to spot this consistently for a week and a half now. I now have the honor of sporting a cervical polyp, likely throughout the pregnancy unless it decides to go away on its own. It's basically a benign growth and lucky me, it bleeds. I was in a kind mood and didn't include a picture of one. I stumbled across one on the internet and it was very disturbing. Almost as disturbing as the two doctors that diagnosed me with it offering to show Chris and I what it looked like. No thank you. He's just here for the moral support and ultrasound folks, no need to send him down to that side of the exam table.

Pretty much the polyp just means I'll probably spot for the rest of the pregnancy, and I am on pelvic rest indefinitely. Beyond the obvious things that can't be done on pelvic rest, I've decided the following should be included:

• Mopping
• Vacuuming
• Laundry
• Grocery shopping
• Cleaning, especially the bathroom
• Cooking

I'm sure I'll come up with more later. It's just best for Viver. Really.