For many today is a holiday.
For me, it’s the due date of my first pregnancy that I lost at 12 weeks. It’s also not a work holiday for me, but that’s another whine for later.
Chances are slim I would have given birth on this day, but it’s the only day I have to hold on to. Anniversaries and due dates of miscarriages are particularly hard on the moms that would have been. Today is not easy for me.
While being pregnant now makes it much easier than I imagine today would have otherwise been, it still is not easy. I think being pregnant makes me less angry than I would have been, but no less sad. People that haven’t experienced miscarriage often don’t understand that one pregnancy does not replace a lost one. I so often hear people say “you’ll get pregnant again” or notions to that effect to women that have lost a baby…I can’t speak for everyone but for myself, that was far from comforting, and not only because I was infertile and no one knew if I would get pregnant again. I wanted that baby. I miss that baby. I mourn that baby. I love the baby I’m carrying; but it does not make me miss my first any less.
I often wonder what I was doing when my baby’s heart stopped beating. Was I sleeping? Was I at work? Was I eating? How could I possibly not know what had happened? For as long as I live, I will never forget the image on that ultrasound machine and will never forget seeing 8 weeks 3 days show up as the measurement when I should have been 11 weeks, 4 days. I will never forget the image of the too small baby laying on it’s back completely motionless. I wanted to reach through the screen, grab my baby and hold it, apologize for anything ever happening to him or her, tell her I loved her…we loved her.
I will never forget the moment Chris and I both recognized what had happened and how my husband comforted me and held me – as if my body wasn’t responsible for all of the pain and agony we had been through up to and including that horrible day. At that moment, I felt like the luckiest unlucky woman in the world.
To our baby that never was, you’re always in our hearts.