Monday, February 18, 2008

February 18th, 2008

For many today is a holiday.

For me, it’s the due date of my first pregnancy that I lost at 12 weeks. It’s also not a work holiday for me, but that’s another whine for later.

Chances are slim I would have given birth on this day, but it’s the only day I have to hold on to. Anniversaries and due dates of miscarriages are particularly hard on the moms that would have been. Today is not easy for me.

While being pregnant now makes it much easier than I imagine today would have otherwise been, it still is not easy. I think being pregnant makes me less angry than I would have been, but no less sad. People that haven’t experienced miscarriage often don’t understand that one pregnancy does not replace a lost one. I so often hear people say “you’ll get pregnant again” or notions to that effect to women that have lost a baby…I can’t speak for everyone but for myself, that was far from comforting, and not only because I was infertile and no one knew if I would get pregnant again. I wanted that baby. I miss that baby. I mourn that baby. I love the baby I’m carrying; but it does not make me miss my first any less.

I often wonder what I was doing when my baby’s heart stopped beating. Was I sleeping? Was I at work? Was I eating? How could I possibly not know what had happened? For as long as I live, I will never forget the image on that ultrasound machine and will never forget seeing 8 weeks 3 days show up as the measurement when I should have been 11 weeks, 4 days. I will never forget the image of the too small baby laying on it’s back completely motionless. I wanted to reach through the screen, grab my baby and hold it, apologize for anything ever happening to him or her, tell her I loved her…we loved her.

I will never forget the moment Chris and I both recognized what had happened and how my husband comforted me and held me – as if my body wasn’t responsible for all of the pain and agony we had been through up to and including that horrible day. At that moment, I felt like the luckiest unlucky woman in the world.

To our baby that never was, you’re always in our hearts.


Ariella said...

A mother has a baby, this we know is true.
But God, can you be a mother, when your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can, he replied with confidence in his voice.
I give many women babies, when they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime;
and others for a day
and some I send to feel your womb;
but there's no need to stay.
I just don't understand this, God,
I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared his throat;
and then, I saw a tear.
I wish I could show you,
what your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile with other children and say.
We go to earth to learn our lessons of love and life and fear,
my mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here...
I feel so lucky to have a mom,
who had so much love for me
I learned my lesson very quickly,
and my mommy set me free.
I miss my mommy oh so much;
but I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
on her pillow is where I lay
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
and whisper in her ear.
Mommy, don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here."
so, you see, my dear sweet one,
your children are okay
your babies are here in my home;
and this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with me,
until your lesson is through
and on the day that you come home;
they'll be at the gates for you.
So, now you see what makes a mother,
it's the feeling in your heart
it's the love you had so much of;
right from the very start.

Katie, I am so sorry for your loss. I know I have said that before but I truely am just so sorry. Take tonight and be with Chris, and mourn the loss of your first child.

Ariella said...

PS I know the poem doesn't make you feel better or anything but Iliked the sentiment and wanted to share. I hope it didn't offend you.

avalikelava said...

Hugs. Always!

Anonymous said...

Hi K,
It's Erica (yosemite from the nest). Your post is so honest, heartbreaking, and beautiful at the same time. Not sure what to really say, but wishing you good thoughts, and positive energy. Hang in there.

Charmaine said...

So much of what you have said rings true for me as well. I'll be thinking of you!

Alison said...

Katie, my hearts breaks for you.

Faith, the Authoress said...

Wow, Katie, that was really powerful. I've never really been able to understand the loss attributed to miscarriage, but your post put it into words. That was amazing to read.

Marisol said...

Ditto what Faith said. Not that I ever downplayed the pain of a woman who suffered a m/c but I guess I never realized how deep the mourning goes. Thank you for this beautiful, heartbreaking post.
Sol (Mrs Shmoopie)