Saturday, July 19, 2008

A Grumpy Clitoris

How could I forget to post this gem of the week?

The Pre Term Birth Prevention Program I'm in includes a weekly phone call from my perinatal nurse. It's scheduled for the same day, same time each week. I had my weekly appointment with my OB the same time as my weekly call last week, and if I'm not home to take the call, they consider it a missed appointment. Two or more missed appointments and you're out of the program. So, like a good patient, I called before I left to advise them I wasn't going to be home for the call, but everything was pretty much status quo and I was on my way to my OB anyway.

Unfortunately, I they didn't transfer me to my nurse, but to a trainee who didn't seem to understand why I was calling. To compound the confusion, her accent was very thick and I was having a hard time communicating with her.

The banter started predictably enough.

"Are you having contractions?"
"Uh, yeah...always. But that's normal for me and I'm on my way to my appointment anyway..."
"You're drinking water and laying on your side?"
"Um, no, I'm leaving. But it's not an issue anyway, I always have lots of contractions and there is no-"
"Oh, well, typically right now it's anywhere from about 5-7 or more, but you see, that's not why I'm calling, like I said that's normal (is she not looking at my chart??) and I've been to L&D enough times for us to know there hasn't really been any real cervical change, sooooo..."
"No cervical change?"
"Nope! Just a really grumpy uterus."
"Hmmm. Grumpy CLITORIS."
Er, what?

Virtually the entire conversation I was straining to understand her, but I'll be damned, that clitoris comment came through loud and clear.

I have no doubt that my clitoris is grumpy at this point, but I certainly wasn't discussing it with the perinatal nurse. I don't think that's contributing to my pre term labor issues.


april said...

OMG! That's hilarious!!!

Emma B. said...

Bwahahaha! Never heard that one before....

Sasha & Mark said...

ha ha ha ha ha! thanks for making me laugh today!

Ariella said...

Bwahahahahah! I think that may be the funiest thing I heard all week!

sara said...

Oh I think I just peed my pants - literally! Just when you think you've heard it all, LOL! I think you should look at conducting a study about a grumpy clitoris as a contributing factor for pre term labor as you said. Funding definitely won't be an issue :-) Although perhaps your clitoris and mine are a bit grumpy due to lack of action for the last so many weeks due to the "no fun down below the belt rule" that goes with an incompetent cervix? We'll have to check into that - the lady with the accent may have opened up something new to think about :-) Oh yeah - I loved your story about poking at the baby to see if you were contracting, and them poking back!

sara said...

Hey there - I'm back to annoy you - just checking in to make sure you're still hanging in there and not a permanent resident up in L & D or antepartum :-)

Ashley said...