Let's Talk About Sex

Or gender, I should say.
In just a matter of days, we have our “big”, level II ultrasound. Obviously, first and foremost, we are hoping for a healthy baby so far, and that’s why I’m most anxious about. But as a bonus, we will hopefully find out the sex.

From day 1, the minute we got the positive beta, I have said boy. Hands down, without a doubt, boy. A few weeks ago I would have been absolutely stunned if I was wrong. It was that strong a feeling. But now, and for the last couple weeks…eh, I’m not so sure. Right now, I don’t really know.

So what’s a girl to do? Turn to the Old Wive’s Tales, of course! But even those are hardly clear.

1) If you carry high, it’s a girl. Low, it’s a boy. I think it’s low, so that would be BOY
2) If the heartbeat is under 140 bpm, it’s a boy. If it is over 140 bpm, it’s a girl. Well, we’ve only had it tracked twice. Once was 150 bpm, the other time was 173bpm. So I guess, GIRL.
3) Tie your wedding ring to a string and dangle it over your belly. If it swings back and forth, it’s a boy. If it goes in circles, it’s a girl. You can also do this holding the string over your open palm. I did both and both were circles…GIRL.
4) Chinese Gender Chart (http://parenting.ivillage.com/ttc/ttcsigns/0,,j736,00.html ) Some say this is correct 90% of the time. This one is easy, BOY
5) If you have acne during pregnancy, it’s a girl. If you don’t, it’s a boy. No pimples here, BOY
6) If you have morning sickness, you’re having a girl. If you don’t, you’re having a boy. I had really mild morning sickness at night, nothing I would really even call morning sickness. So I’ll go with BOY on that one.
7) If your breasts have gotten bigger, you’re having a girl! If they’ve stayed the same, it’s a boy. Oh lordy, then it’s definitely a GIRL with the size of these things.
8) If your left breast is bigger than the right, you’re having a girl. If the right breast is bigger than the left, it’s a boy. I think they’re pretty much neck and neck (or boob and boob?) but I was just commenting this week that my left boob seems bigger…GIRL
9) If your urine is neon yellow, it’s a boy. If it’s a dull yellow, it’s a girl. Um, GIRL. And I don’t like talking about my urine.
10) If you’re hair on your legs grows faster, it’s a girl. If it stays the same, it’s a boy. I can’t stand stubble so I shave daily no matter what, but I haven’t noticed any kind of sudden overgrowth on my legs. BOY. Now, if we’re talking about the sudden development of fur on my stomach…that’s a different story.
11) If the dad to be is gaining weight with you, it’s a boy. If he stays the same, it’s a girl. I should check with Chris to be sure, but I’m going to say GIRL.
12) If you have headaches, you’re having a boy. If you don’t, it’s a girl. Huh, I would have thought this would be the other way around. BOY.
13) Girls steal your beauty. If you look better than before, it’s a boy. If you don’t, it’s a girl. All I can say is people say I look good. I however, have already noticed the Tori Spelling pregnancy fat face starting. But since my OB said I looked good and it might be a boy, we’ll say BOY.
14) If your feet are colder than usual, it’s a boy. If they’re the same, it’s a girl. GIRL.

The results? 14 questions. 7 boy. 7 girl. 50% chance of either one. Didn’t help much, did it? What do you think??

OK, I'll admit it.

It was time to tell my boss that I'm pregnant.

And I will now admit I probably wasn't fooling quite as many people as I thought I was.

Frankly, if I had it my way I wouldn't tell anyone until, well...I gave birth. It makes me incredibly nervous. Family and friends are one thing, but co-workers are a whole other cup of tea. I hadn't told anyone at work I was pregnant last time, and I was so glad about that when I returned after my miscarriage. So being "out" takes things to a whole new level for me, and it's one I'm not totally comfortable with. But my belly had other ideas and I couldn't hide it much longer. If I was even hiding it at all. I have a feeling some people figured it out already...despite me thinking I was so very sly with my "hunch over and run" move I used if I encountered people in the hall.

Viver's 1st Report Card

We had the ultrasound part of our NT Scan last week (which is the first trimester screening for chromosomal abnormalities like Down’s Syndrome or other forms of Trisomy) and Viver passed with flying colors. A++++++++

The ultrasound itself was the coolest experience so far. Kaiser isn’t equipped to do NT scans yet, so they pay for members to go to the few places that are certified in our area. The closest place is about an hour away so Chris and I had to take a half day off work, but it was worth it. It was quite the foo-foo place, nicely decorated and up on all the latest technology.

The ultrasound is an abdominal one (what? An appointment where I leave my pants ON? That’s a weird experience) which also meant I needed to have a full bladder. By the time we arrived, it was quite full. Chris, of course, immediately located a restroom when we arrived.

Huh.

Let’s just say, if there is another time where I have to keep my bladder full, he will have to keep his full as well. I don’t for a minute agree with the pregnant women that feel their husbands should be deprived of everything they are deprived of while pregnant (drinking, sushi, whatever), however I think it would help him understand why I was so anxious that they seemed to be running a bit late. Sure, 10 minutes late is nothing in doctor appointments, but when you have to pee and know the ultrasound is going to take about a half hour of someone pressing just about right on your bladder, it’s bound to make you a bit anxious and just a touch pissy.

So we are ushered into a room and I lay down and see that we have our very own screen to look at that’s mounted just over head! What a treat. Half the time we can’t see anything, or if they do tilt the screen towards us we’re both craning to catch a peek. This time we got to see it all. They even took some 3D pictures of Viver, and gave us a CD of images including a little movie showing Viver’s heart beating.

I had to laugh at when the doctor decided Viver wasn’t in the position he wanted him to be in so he jiggled my belly trying to get him to move. He did, but he rolled away and put his back to us. I told the doctor he was mocking him. That’s definitely my kid. All he was lacking was the middle finger thrown up for good measure.

I wanna go back...

(anyone else hearing that Eddie Money song in their head right about now? No? Anyhow...)

I wanna go back to that time during this pregnancy when I was neurotic for no good reason. When I worried incessantly without due cause. Back when I would cop a feel during the day and realize my boobs weren't at all tender and nearly start crying...even though we had a perfect ultrasound the day before. In a nutshell, I want to go back to being crazy. Just your average infertile with a history of pregnancy loss trying to make her way through the first trimester, crazy.

Because really having something to worry about sucks. It sucks a lot more than just being crazy. Because, FYI, crazy doesn't go away - it just compounds with actual, validated fears to make you one big crazy, scared, bitchy mess.

So the spotting didn't stop. We accomplished a record last week of 3 appointments (if you count the ER as an appointment, which, in this case I am) within 6 days. We were given an explanation for the spotting that thankfully isn't harming Viver or the pregnancy in any way, but it is still incredibly unnerving to spot this consistently for a week and a half now. I now have the honor of sporting a cervical polyp, likely throughout the pregnancy unless it decides to go away on its own. It's basically a benign growth and lucky me, it bleeds. I was in a kind mood and didn't include a picture of one. I stumbled across one on the internet and it was very disturbing. Almost as disturbing as the two doctors that diagnosed me with it offering to show Chris and I what it looked like. No thank you. He's just here for the moral support and ultrasound folks, no need to send him down to that side of the exam table.

Pretty much the polyp just means I'll probably spot for the rest of the pregnancy, and I am on pelvic rest indefinitely. Beyond the obvious things that can't be done on pelvic rest, I've decided the following should be included:

• Mopping
• Vacuuming
• Laundry
• Grocery shopping
• Cleaning, especially the bathroom
• Cooking

I'm sure I'll come up with more later. It's just best for Viver. Really.

Screw the Superbowl...let's go to the ER instead!

Yesterday marked our first pregnancy trip to the Emergency Room. I say first because somehow I doubt it will be our last. Just a hunch.

Yesterday evening I experienced some very light pink spotting that threw me into a tizzy like you wouldn't believe. I know I'm neurotic with this pregnancy to begin with, but I don't spot. I'm simply not a spotter. The one and only time I've spotted was when I miscarried before. Needless to say, we both feared the worst (feared might be the wrong word. Assumed the worst would be better). In addition to the scary spotting, I had killer back pain all day, my annoying ovary was hurting all day and the entire weekend I was worried because my few symptoms I had disappeared...just like last time.

Thankfully the ER wasn't that crowded and we got in right away. Last time we were at the ER (not pregnancy related) we were there for nearly 4 hours. I guess a threatened miscarriage is a higher priority than a bite from a stray cat. (In my defense, the advice nurse insisted I go to the ER for the cat bite...I was simply looking for her to say something like, "If you wake up and your foaming at the mouth, then you should go to the ER", but instead she made it into a dire situation that needed to be attended to immediately. Did I understand?! Immediately! I will say the cat that bit me was vicious. Oh, I can hear Chris laughing....).

First Dr. Sympathy visited us in the exam room. We assumed he would be attending to me, since well, he was in scrubs that said Dr., and he was in our exam room. But alas, he wanted to talk. He had glanced at my chart and saw we had been dealing with infertiilty. He went on to say that he and his wife struggled with infertility, then suffered two 15-week losses back to back. We exchanged the requisite I'm sorrys. "No, I'm sorry for your loss!" Because as pregnancy loss survivors, we all know how fucking rude it is to not say I'm sorry when someone tells you they suffered a miscarriage so we do have a tendency to over compensate. Then he somberly told us that we did understand that there wasn't much he could tell us that night as it's too early to tell if there is a heart beat or not....uh, what? We didn't just pay $100 to exchange stories, buddy. I told him we had already seen the heart beat twice so that shouldn't be a problem. Hell, I'd be happy to perform the ultrasound myself, just log me into the machine sitting next to me and you can go on your merry way! He was very nice and thankfully called an OB into the ER to do the exam.

At this point we already know the baby is gone. We just know it. Another fucking loss. In between Dr. Sympathy leaving and Dr. Doppler arriving, we start talking about quitting our jobs, living off our savings for a while...traveling or doing something, anything but trying to have a baby. Maybe open a bar and become fun-loving alcoholics. Maybe travel the world, except we'd have to bring our cat with us and that was going to pose some logistical problems.

Our pondering was stopped when Dr. Doppler arrived. She got right to the point and started trying to find the heart beat with the doppler. This was new territory for us...we've never had a doppler experience. Now, with an ultrasound, I can tell what is or isn't going on - I can read it myself just fine. But with the doppler, I had no idea what we were listening to. The "whoosh, whoosh" was loud and clear, but what the hell was it? Ah, the placenta. But, she finally found the heart beat! We heard Viver's heart beat loud and clear, it was 150bpm which she said was good. It was the most beautiful sound. We would have wanted to listen longer, but I of course started laughing out of shock and relief and the sound went away. Funny, no one even said nipple.

She said light spotting isn't uncommon and everything else seems fine so it wasn't a concern. I won't feel ok until we see Viver this week and make sure he's measuring on track and there's still a heart beat, but obviously we feel better than we did on our way to the ER. One thing is for sure...if we have a good appointment on Friday, I'm ordering a doppler.

Well, I'll be damned.

That little survivor (as we affectionately call Viver) is still there!

Not only still there, but has caught up to where I am - even 1 day ahead (and yes, I do know a day or two doesn't matter but I'm no less proud because of that) - with a strong heart beat flickering away.

We're thrilled. We've stopped waiting for the other shoe to drop and are enjoying this...finally. I still don't have many symptoms, and that's still going to continue to piss me off, and I'm sure we'll be a wreck before the next ultrasound in a couple weeks...but for the first time in 21 months and two pregnancies, we actually feel like we might have a baby.

We graduated from our clinic, which is bittersweet since we like our clinic so much, but it will be nice to get back to my OB that I adore as well.

Dr. R also told us that the nipples formed yesterday.

To which I started laughing uncontrollably.

She said nipple. Heh.

We have a blinking tube.

I'm a little late on this, been pretty busy lately and I wanted to scan our u/s pic (even though the angle she got makes the sack look like a hot dog and you can't see anything except the cross hairs), but I'm starting to think I'm never going to get to that...

I was a complete and utter wreck before the ultrasound. A good 24-48 hours before you couldn't even talk to me. Even though I was anxious and worried with my last pregnancy, I always got a good feeling before the ultrasound that made me think it would be ok. And those two ultrasounds were good. With this one, I didn't have a good feeling. My instinct was definitely going the other way. Because, once again, I don't have symptoms and frankly, it pisses me off.

It was just too much to fathom. We didn't want to see that image, the one of a missed m/c, on a screen again. We didn't want to be ushered out the backdoor after our ultrasound. We didn't to hear the "I'm having trouble finding a heartbeat" conversation again, and I honestly started wondering if I could handle another loss.

Thankfully our clinic runs pretty much right on time so we didn't have to wait long once we got there. Dr. R came in and said she'd been waiting for us...seems she was curious about our upcoming ultrasound. Why? "I've been skeptical about your pregnancy. I mean, your betas were good and everything, but....well, lets see what's going on."

Huh? I'm pretty sure when she asked how we were doing I yelled "Nervous!!" A specialist telling us she was skeptical was hardly calming our nerves.

But at this point, I was defeated and just wanted to know either way. I was so past the anxiety and worry I wasn't sure I would even cry.

At our NT scan with my last pregnancy, the tech decided to take measurements and check my ovaries before doing anything with the pregnancy measurements. Now, I know she saw that sack and the size of the baby and knew we had lost the pregnancy the minute that ultrasound started. But she had to get those other measurements and you can't really say, "Oh, hey, looks like you miscarried but hang on while I get these other measurements."

So when Dr. R started the ultrasound, she said, "There's a sack...but let's check your ovaries first" and I immediately thought, here we go again.

Once she was done with the ovaries, she was frowning at the screen and not saying much. That's not a good sign. Then she said something about finding it and turned the screen towards Chris and I.

An empty sac. Um, thanks, lady - didn't need another visual!

She moved the wand a bit and said, "See it? It's blinking, right there."

OH! There is something there. It was rather ghost-like and disappearing a lot, but at the right spot, there was something there.

I looked at the blinking and said, "So that's the heartbeat?"

Dr. R says, "No, there isn't a heart this early. That's the fetal pole. It's a blinking tube."

Now, really, everyone else in the industry calls it a heartbeat. Even if it's not technically a heart at 6 1/2 weeks, it will be one soon and that blinking tube will hopefully turn into a beating heart. Would it kill her to let us call it a heartbeat? Do we have to be that clinical?

The day of the ultrasound I was 6 weeks, 4 days but just measuring 6 weeks even, which everyone, including computer brain Dr. R, says is on track. I'll of course worry about this.

We go back after the 8 week mark to check and see if our blinking tube turned into a beating heart. That's the big step for us. While our miscarriage wasn't discovered until 12 weeks, the baby stopped developing about 8 weeks.

So again we wait. I still don't have many symptoms and don't have morning sickness (as far as I know...does gagging when I brush my tongue count?) so as long as I feel ok...I'll continue to be neurotic. Just a warning to those who know me in real life.

Once Bitten, Twice Shy.

Pregnancy after infertility and previous miscarriage sure is a nail biter.

I'm going crazy with doubt and fear. Each morning I wake up and decide if I am pregnant or not. This is how I determine that:
Poke at boobs. Sore? Things are ok. Not sore? Panic.
Did I get up to pee in the middle of the night? Yes? It might be ok. No? Clearly, I've miscarried and don't know it.

With my first pregnancy, I didn't have many symptoms and since I didn't miscarry until 12 weeks I really did have a healthy pregnancy (yes, heartbeat and all) for longer than I had an unhealthy pregnancy. I got sore boobs later in the pregnancy and only for about a week. Here's the thing: my boobs are never sore. I don't get sore boobs pre-period, actually nothing affects my boobs. Sometimes I wonder why I have them. At any rate, I really shouldn't put the future of any pregnancy in my boobs. They're a wild card at best. But I do. I put a lot of emphasis on how they feel during pregnancy. I poke at them so much I wonder if any sensitivity might be from me, well, poking at them. I also poke at them absent-mindedly...which means I've found myself doing it in public. Today I wished I had weighed my enlarged boobs because now I think they are smaller - I really need a reference point. But I didn't, so now I'll just wonder...are they smaller? I can't tell. Clearly I need a boob intervention.

The "getting up in the middle of the night to pee must mean things are progressing well" is another ludicrous thought that I just can't shake. It's ludicrous for a couple reasons. One, the urge to do this started the day I started the progesterone in oil shots. Hello, my embryos were an hour a way, they weren't even in my uterus. Obviously, this isn't a symptom I can put much faith into either way. But I do....

My tummy doesn't feel great and actually a little nauseous at times but I tend to attribute that to my ever increasing nerves. That also doesn't make any sense.

It's impossible to make any sense of any of it. It's funny, when fertiles find out they're pregnant, they're ecstatic. Some of them do cutesy things to tell their husband or significant other that they're expecting. It can range from a Bun in the Oven t-shirt and a big grin, or commonly a little onesie advertising their husband's favorite sports team...it's sometimes a big production. Infertiles think they will scream, cry and make a big deal out of it, but typically, we don't.

Typically, we react much differently. We kind of look at the test (or listen to the nurse tell us our betas are positive) and think "Hmmm. Well, ok. That's cool." But we're scared to get our hopes up. Throw a previous miscarriage in there and you've got a whole ball of "Oh, alright, thanks for letting us know." Back to your regularly scheduled programming. Then the family and friends you've told are excited and you keep saying, "Oh, it's early." They don't understand that to me, this pregnancy will be successful once my child starts kindergarten and not a second earlier.

I know I'm normal. Those that have experienced pregnancy loss and a new pregnancy within 6 months of the loss know what I'm talking about. We all know it's not rational, we all know it's really not healthy, but we also all know it's normal. It just may drive me crazy, though. Or crazier, I should say.

The verdict is in....

And....I'm pregnant! Okay, so I've known for a while. I caved and tested last week since I just suddenly had a feeling something was up, and to my surprise, my test 8dp3dt was clearly positive. Chris and I didn't fully believe it until we got confirmation from the clinic on Monday, Christmas Eve. Betas have been good, doubling nicely and all that good stuff:
9dp3dt/12dpo - 105
12dp3dt/15dpo - 380
Soooo....we're excited and also cautiously optimistic because we have been here before. Our first ultrasound is in a couple weeks.
Thanks, Santa!